By RON MALY
I was backing my 1989 Toyota Camry, which happens to be The Official Car Of These Columns, out of my driveway when I heard someone honking at me.
It was Diane My Neighbor, the wife of My Neighbor Al, The Health Nut.
"Where you headed?" Diane asked.
"Hy-Vee," I said. "I ran out of almond milk, and I don't like to eat my oatmeal in the morning without it. I've been reading that almond milk is good for what ails you."
"You might be right," Diane said. "Say hello to Al when you're at Hy-Vee. He left 45 minutes ago to read the paper. As you know, he canceled our subscription because he didn't think there was anything in it anymore."
"I'll look for him at the store," I said, "and I'll tell him I've got plenty of Italian Dark Roast for him when he wants to discuss the cold weather in the next day or two."
"I know you guys have been solving all of the world's problems over that Italian Dark Roast," Diane said. "Maybe I'll come over for a cup one of these days, too.
"It's good that you listen to Al because sometimes I get a little tired of his bitching, especially when I've other matters on my mind--like when are we going to buy a condo in Arizona so I don't have to put up with this lousy Iowa weather?"
"I know you grew up in northwest Iowa, and I thought you were a four-season girl," I said.
"Not anymore," Diane answered. "I've been talking to the women at church, and they all want to go south for the winter, too. A couple of them already have left town.
"By the way, if you've got another minute or two, I'd like to mention something to you. I read your columns on my I-Pad, and I notice that you've been writing about Al quite a bit lately. He thinks it's pretty hot stuff when you put his name on the Internet."
"It's my pleasure," I said. "The smart guys of the world, who have things on their minds, need all the attention they can get."
"Well, maybe you can put my name into one of your columns, too," Diane said. "I do a lot of shopping, you know, and I usually stick to Younkers at Valley West Mall for most of it.
"I was looking for a shirt for Al a couple of days before Christmas, and noticed they had a real nice one that had been marked down from $42. At the time, Younkers had a 60 percent discount on the shirt, then there were all sorts of coupons available that brought the price down to $13.60.
"I probably should've bought the shirt that day. But after all these years, I know Younkers pretty well. I figured that if the shirt was discounted 60 percent before Christmas, I could probably get 70 percent off after Christmas. So I went back out there over the weekend, and figured I'd get that shirt for $9 or $10.
"Guess what? Instead of being 60 or 70 percent off, it now is just 30 percent off. Younkers actually raised the price of that shirt, as well as some other stuff in the men's department. So don't believe all of that bullcrap you hear about post-holiday sales.
"Those stores will try to screw you any chance they get."
"I'm glad you're paying attention to that kind of stuff, Diane," I said. "Stay warm. And I'll say hello to Al."
