RON MALY HAS BEEN WATCHING THE PARADE GO BY FOR A LONG TIME. THIS IS ONE OF HIS WEBSITES.

Saturday, April 18, 2015

Far Too Much Writing About Alcohol In the Paper

By RON MALY

My Neighbor Al, the Health Nut, came over for a cup of Italian Dark Roast this morning. 

One of the things he was wondering about was why there are so many stories in the paper about Iowa breweries, beer-drinking and general alcohol consumption in homes and  restaurants.
 
Illustration courtesy of Andrei Lacatusu of Bucharest


"You'd think people at the paper would want to promote healthy living in our state, not alcoholism," Al said.  

"I'm with you, Al," I commented. "I know for a fact that a large number of people who work at newspapers are heavy drinkers. 

'They've been that way since they went to journalism school, and never came to their senses. 

'Foolishly, they think newspaper readers are interested in drinking, too. 

'Those people who write about drinking drive away readers, not attract them.  

"Most papers have more than its share of alcoholics.  

"And, don't forget, lots of reporters and editors drink heavily these days because they're afraid of losing their jobs in a business that's become a dead-end street  on the way to the graveyard."

Then Al--always interested in promoting good health--said he also wanted to talk about the horrible eating habits of people at the paper. 

"Specifically, I mean Daniel P. Finney, that ridiculous 562-pound reporter who is an embarrassment to journalism and the entire state of Iowa," he said.

"He's the jackoff who needs to be loaded into a Mayflower moving van instead of the company car whenever he has to go out on assignment.  

"I'm sure you know him well because you once wrote that he's famous for elbowing his way into the front of the line at every all-you-can-eat buffet in town."  

"Al, I know who you're talking about, but this is Saturday, and I've got things to do," I said. 

"That circus clown you're referring to is a half-dozen or so massive coronaries and/or congestive heart failure attacks waiting to happen. 

"That miserable guy is in such rotten health that, even if he wanted to donate his body to science,  it would be rejected. 

"If you don't mind, Al, he's a column and a discussion for another day."