RON MALY HAS BEEN WATCHING THE PARADE GO BY FOR A LONG TIME. THIS IS ONE OF HIS WEBSITES.

Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Being Neighborly On New Year's Eve


By RON MALY

I hadn't seen much of My Neighbor Al, the Health Nut since before Christmas, but he surfaced in a bigtime way early today.

Al rang my doorbell at 7:30 a.m., asking if I had enough Italian Dark Roast in my pot to get him through the morning.

"That's kind of a personal question, Al," I said. "But being the great neighbor that I am, I've made sure I have enough Italian Dark Roast on hand for New Year's Eve and New Year's Day. I've got a couple of new mugs, so I'll fill one of 'em up for you and one for me."

"As you know, I was out of town with the missus over Christmas," Al said,  "We visited a couple of the kids in Topeka, so I haven't been able to check on whether Santa was good to you."

"The big fella was outstandingly good to me, Al,"  I said. "One of these days, I'll devote a whole a whole morning talking to you about all the stuff I got. As I mentioned earlier, all 14 members of my family were here, and, as usual, we devoted an entire week to Christmas.  I was opening gifts for seven days. All in all, this was maybe the best Christmas ever with the whole gang.

"The best thing was that everyone got here safely and got home safely. And they all talked about having a wonderful time. What more can a guy ask for?"

"I'm happy for you," Al said. "If you're  like me, you need to build another room on the house so you can store all the gifts you keep getting from your wife, kids and grandkids."

"I know what you're talking about, Al," I said. "I'm the original guy who has everything, but I keep getting more. I'm glad the kids carried the gifts into the house again this year. If they'd had to depend on Santa to do it, he'd have gotten a hernia before he got to your house.

"By the way, have you been up to Hy-Vee yet this morning to read the paper."

"Just got back," Al said. "Nothing in the paper. "I did notice that Daniel P. Finney and Roland H. Thompson, his stablemate, combined to write another story I don't believe. Once I saw the byline, I didn't read the story because I knew it was a joke.

"While I'm on that subject, I should say that the assignment editor in the newsroom should be fired for not putting Finney and Thompson  on the story a few days ago that talked about the Waukee city councilman who used a fictiitiious Facebook account with a made-up name.

"Finney and Roland H. Thompson know all about fictitious names and general  newsroom phoniness. They've been phonies for years, and evidently always will be phonies."

"Switch to another subject Al," I said. "I know Finney and Thompson are jokes and clowns, but I don't want to finish 2013 talking about those nutcases. Let's talk some football. I imagine you noticed that Pat Harty of the Iowa City Press-Citizen didn't get assigned to cover the Outback Bowl for his paper or the Gannett Co. paper here."

"Why do you say that?" Al said.

"Because Harty had a byline in today's paper from Iowa City," I explained. "He's evidently covering the Iowa-Nebraska basketball game tonight at Carver-Hawkeye Arena. I guess the Gannett beancounters couldn't come up with enough money to send him to Tampa for the football game.

"Harty knows more about Hawkeye football than anyone, so he's covering the Big Ten basketball opener because the company couldn't afford to fly him to Tampa. In fact, he wrote most of the entire inside of today's paper. He had a long recruiting story, too."

"Sounds like a company that's in trouble," Al said. "I'll bet Harty is pissed that he had to stay in Iowa City when the Iowa football team was getting ready for a bowl game in Florida."

"Trouble is the newspaper business's middle name," I said. "And I'm sure you're right that Harty is pissed that he's covering a basketball game instead of the Outback Bowl."

"Pour me another cup of Dark Roast," Al said. "Let's talk about New Year's Eve and some other good news."

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Illustration courtey of Google